Root, fuck, bang, make love, shag or screw… whatever you want to call the act of sex, it’s a subject that is hot gossip whether you are single or in a relationship. How much are you getting? Is it mind blowing or does it feel like a chore to just keep the other half happy? Or has it been years since you got a bit, even in a long term relationship?
It’s an ongoing joke that a person’s sex life is, especially for men, ruined once they get married. That once the so called “honeymoon” period is over, that daily canoodling is a distant memory, however that isn’t always the case for everyone. If you ask my grandparents what the secret to a long and loving marriage is, they will tell you as they taught us, sex! It doesn’t always have to be the act of sex but any form of intimacy between two people can do wonders to break down barriers built between a couple caused from the hustle and bustle of life.
I’m about to turn thirty sevens year old and still to this day I’m learning more about myself on a daily basis and that includes sexually as well. As women our bodies change and adapt throughout life especially after we have children. Things that once turned us on or we enjoyed in the bedroom before giving birth can now make us drier than the Sahara desert. I don’t know about anyone else but after all the internal vaginal examinations I experienced throughout my pregnancies the thought of my husband’s fingers going anywhere near that region makes me cringe and feel like some sort of finger puppet. Insert dry reach here!
It took a long time for me to personally recover from giving birth, especially after my first born and we all know everyone’s experience and recovery is individual. My book covers the internal struggles I faced when it came to healing emotionally from labour and that affected the way I felt about my body sexually. In fact I found it impossible to imagine my body in any sexual form with my huge milk filled breasts and a baby clung to me twenty four seven. The thought of being touched by my husband for pleasure made me feel physically ill for months after having Brayden.
Because sex was such a no go for me for so long my husband stopped trying and then for me I felt like it was one more thing on my list that I had to initiate for it to get done and the truth is I had run out of paper to fit my list of things to do on that it was easier to keep putting it in the too hard basket. It took a long time for sex to feel pleasurable again but I slowly persevered until things were starting to feel ‘normal’ again and guess what? Our relationship started to improve too. By the time it came to conceiving our second child I was back on the horse on a regular basis but ladies we all know nothing kicks in our libido then trying to get pregnant, am I right?
Children can be the icing on the cake of responsibilities we experience in a long term relationship. Other effects can be a mortgage, bills, career pressure and the list can go on and there’s nothing more damaging to someone’s libido then stress! I can’t speak for everyone but I know when I’m stressed I would rather smash a block of chocolate accompanied with a bottle of wine in front of the TV instead of having sex. Which is silly when I think about it as sex can be a form of stress release too however I am so mentally drained that the thought of trying to get in the mood is totally off the cards and sometimes it can make me more frustrated if I gave up my binge for some fun in the bedroom that didn’t have the fireworks I had anticipated.
It’s no secret that when it comes to getting in the mood for a bit of hanky panky men are creatures of physical attraction compared to women needing more of an emotional connection to get the juices flowing. I feel this intensifies after the way our bodies can change from having children as I know the sexy little lingerie I use to pop on to get in the mood pre kids are no longer found in my wardrobe since comfort well out ways appearance these days. My body has changed but I am learning to love it and find it as sexy as I did my body before kids because it may not look what I use to think was amazing on the outside but god dam it has achieved some amazing things like bringing my sons into this world.
So you start to get your libido back but something is missing, the big O! Such an important topic that I dedicated an entire chapter to it in “The 3 M’s”. Firstly I’d like to put a shout out there to women that find the ability to orgasm easy. Please DM me and share your secret. For me this has always been a challenge even with the assistance of toys, but I then added a bit of PND and anxiety in the mix and I thought I had literally broken my vagina after having Hank. I don’t want to repeat the content in my book but in short if you think you have a broken vagina maybe check with your doctor to have things like any medication you may be taking reassessed and be mindful that the more pressure you put on yourself mentally to achieve something, the harder it can be to succeed.
You need to sit back and just enjoy the ride. Which again is easier said than done once kids come along as you get zero time alone with your partner and you are both exhausted by the time the kids finally stay in bed for the night that sleep takes priority over a little kissy kissy. Sometimes you can try the distraction trick and lock yourselves in the room but nothing is more devastating than being half way through the act and the little cock blocks cotton on and start banging down the door. Having children makes you time poor when it comes to alone time and before you know it your partner and you will be sitting there reminiscing about the good old days, for example when foreplay existed before sex.
If you don’t want to resent your partner, you need to be intimate on some kind of level, whether it is just cuddling, a shower quickie or an all night romp sesh, it is the key to a relationships success. The next time you are fed up with your partner, consider the last time there was intimacy between the two of you. If it’s been a while consider throwing a leg over and see if you are still feeling the same way about the situation. I know cleaning up after my husband pisses me off a thousand times more when we are overdue for a bit of loving.